Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Poopy Blog Contest Winner-- Worth the Read

So I didn't get any real entries. . . But I did get this e-mail from a friend that I think suffices as an entry-- and a winning one at that. Even though it's about poop, it's pretty gentle on the stomach. Here goes:

If you don’t have kids, you’ll feel lucky after reading this. If you do have kids, you’ll fell lucky after reading this.

As most of you know, O has a real fascination… no, obsession… with well, shit. Her own, primarily. Mind you, she’s 3 and a half now, and knows right from wrong in most situations. But when it comes to crap, she just can’t help herself.
It’s like crack, no pun.

We’ve gone through so many phases – maybe you were around for some of them? She used to take off her diaper and poo in her crib when she was an infant and make art projects with it… or I’d find her sitting staring at a pile of it in her bed, like a glowing campfire, with her pacifiers all stuck into it. Then about a year ago, she decided she would be a dog. This lasted for, oh, 9 or 10 months – in full character – barking at strangers and postmen, eating off the floor with her mouth, drinking out of the toilet, putting herself on a lead and whining to be walked, and yes, crapping in the yard whenever we weren’t looking. We still have dead spots in the grass where she peed and pooped so many times it killed the grass. She stopped being a dog a few months ago, though we get an occasional relapse when she feels nervous – she’ll bark at others. Loudly. But what happened yesterday made it all seem like halfway “normal” behavior.

She is starting to refuse her naps, playing in her room or closet secretly instead of sleeping. Sometimes she makes her pillows look like she’s in her bed, and she loses herself into the closet and has conversations with her animals. But yesterday she was bored with this prospect, and so turned to her old favorite hobby – crap. I’ll omit most of the disgusting details about quantity and quality – both noteworthy – and just suffice to say that she became a “fecal artist” of sorts. I found her nude, brown up to the elbows. At first her room looked pretty normal, until I caught a glimpse in the corner of my eye of several small brown mice on the floor and crawling up the wall. Oh, if only they were mice… I put 2 and 2 together (being the brilliant mom that I am) and realized a game of projectile poo had occurred here. But the worst was yet to come. I opened her closet door to look for her clothes and the door moved much slower than normal over the cream colored carpet. Once completely open, a glorious 3 foot brown rainbow spanned the entry. The entire bottom of the closet door had become a big paintbrush.

For you dog owners, thanks for the tip – Nature’s Miracle. We need a miracle.

I may be writing to moan, whine and probably gross you out.. but the main point is this. We still find her to be lovely, clever, beautiful, funny, and incredibly entertaining, most of the time. Just goes to show you that God totally monkeys with your brain when you have kids to make sure you love them too much to physically harm them.

Isn't she a great writer? O is a lovely child, by the way. Quite verbal and entertaining to chat with. . . I guess her parents should think about removing all carpeting from their home, eh?


WarcraftStrategist said...

Good grief. It's a damn good thing she's cute.


Anonymous said...

This story happened at a "friends" apartment in 92'. As I am certain you are aware, apartments managed by college age individuals tend to be less than sparkling, much less well stocked. So after finishing the Lord's work, thus began the frantic search for something...anything to clean up with. I'll spare you the pants-down-at-the-ankles turning around in circles looking for something absorbent and soft to work with details and go straight to what was ultimately chosen: The empty roll. Yes in what can only be likened to an episode of MacGyver, I tore the cardboard roll into 3 pieces and used that to "clean" up. You might be asking yourself, how on earth would they flush? Well, I never had to because I popped the top off the toilet and hid the cardboard strips inside. Mission complete.