Friday, January 21, 2011

Something Lost

On the morning Casey turned 8, he reminded me immediately it was his birthday (of course, I knew). I made him wait until 9 to jump on our bed and wake up Jason.

We talked about the day he was born. We contrasted the weather here-- sunny, blue skies, in the upper-70s-- with the weather when he was born-- a snow storm. He knows all about how we were on vacation in Florida when we learned that he was going to be born, so all Jason had were shorts, which he wore.

We told Casey how amazing it was to hold him and feed him his first bottle. How happy we were to meet him. How important he was-- and still is-- to us.

We told him how much we love him and how lucky we feel to be his parents. (He told us he knows. If you know Casey, this is no surprise at all.)

After our morning conversation, I thought about Casey's Story. I thought about how much love was in that room when he was born. How much anxiety and hope for our future. How I knew I was lucky the moment I held him. And I wondered how Marcie felt, sitting on our bed and hearing Casey's Story. It's not lost on me how much we don't know about Marcie's arrival in the world.

Of course, Marcie has her own story; it just doesn't involve the day she was born. And thinking about that, I felt incredibly sad. Like somehow she's lost something and I can't ever help her get it back. I'm not sure that Marcie feels like she's lost something. And I don't think Marcie will feel less loved as a result. (I certainly hope she won't.)

I don't have any pithy, uplifting words to express how I resolved the issue in my own mind. Not sure I ever will. Or that there needs to be a resolution. For all I know, I'm thinking way more about this than Marcie (or Tate) ever will. I actually kind of hope so.

1 comment:

Janet and Kevin said...

Very moving post. Awhile back I was talking to Philip (who lived at PHF until age three when we arrived to bring him home) about his adoption story. We have talked about it often, but it has never hit me so hard as it did that morning.

We always talk about how much of a miracle it is, and how wonderful that God had a plan, and how much his China mommy must have loved him to give him life. But for some reason that day all I could think about was that we weren't the ones to scoop him up in our arms and bring him home right away after his birth and how much we really, really still wish we could have known him from that moment on. I began to cry (even though I tried so, so, so hard not to in front of Philip) and just hugged him. He hugged back for a long time. Then I collected myself and explained that we wish we could have been there and known him from the first moment on, but that is not the way God intended it to be. Philip is who he is right now because of his path early in life. Boy, I can still tear up at the thought of it though.

Relating to your post today. Thank you for sharing.

of janet, kevin, ted, philip, and elijah