My, What a Difference a Year Makes, Part II

One year ago today, I saw Marcie's face for the first time. It was in an e-mail from our agency, CCAI. It was her "mug shot." And I fell in love. Well, I fell in love before I saw the picture. But the photo sure didn't hurt.


I still remember what I was wearing when I got the call-- gray pants, a purple sweater and black heels. I was settling in to my office, trying to figure out where I'd set up the video camera when my cell phone rang. It wasn't even 8:30am yet, and our agency was calling to tell us all about Yang Fu Ji.


I remember the Recruitment Coordinator Chali kindly printing color copies of Marcie's picture on photo paper for me so I could put up her photo next to Casey's in my office.


I remember racing through the firm, stopping in each office doorway to share the picture of my new daughter. (In retrospect, I must have seemed a little crazed to these people who hadn't even known me for a month yet.)


Marcie didn't have an American name yet. And we didn't name her June 27th, either. We narrowed it down to two choices a year ago today. (Obviously Marcie was one of them.)


A year ago today, I worried about how much air fare would cost. If we would get to see the Great Wall. How much Marcie would weigh by the time we met her.


Yeah. I remember what a big deal June 27, 2006 was to me. But in some ways I feel like I remember it from outside myself. Like I was watching it all happen to me . . . because I barely remember what life was like before Marcie joined our family.


And, my, look what a difference a year has made to her. Below left is Marcie's referral photo. Below right was taken almost exactly a year later. Yeah. A year makes a BIG difference . . .

B.S. #3 The Paperchase & FAQs

So we have decided to pursue an adoption from China again. For B.S. #3 (That's Baby S. #3, although really Casey and Marcie aren't so much babies anymore). I was obsessing about it a while back, in May. And then I got sidetracked studying. Well, not really. Adoption's been on my mind-- I just haven't had much time to write about it. But now is the time I answer your burning questions:

1. Why China?
We kicked it around quite a bit back in May, as you know if you read regularly. I really struggled with it. I felt kind of strongly that I wanted to return to Asia because I want to be able to maintain some sort of connection to my children's roots. We already have two continents covered, and adding a third seemed a bit daunting to me (though truth be told, if things don't work out with China for us, we'll be making a bee-line to Ethiopia!).

Here's what it came down to for us. I did a boatload of research on Taiwan adoptions. They are private adoptions. We'd hire a US agency to coordinate with a nursery in Taiwan. We did select an agency-- the one agency we received so much positive feedback about, I felt very comfortable with them. I received a lot of unsolicited recommendations, and that's always a good sign. Their Taiwan program coordinator was amazingly patient, personable, and responsive. If you're contemplating Taiwan, you might look into FCA. They work with Cathwel in Taiwan. The thing is that the wait was going to be 18 months (average) until match-- and stretching. Plus another 6 months or so while the paperwork moved through the courts. And that's in addition to the homestudy. So basically we're looking at about 2 years from time of turning in paperwork. I was okay with the wait (there are several other agencies that have shorter waits, but many are new or I got very mixed reviews or they were terrible at follow-up). But then I started thinking-- if we're going to wait 2 years anyway, why not go back to China? With an agency I love, love, love? Plus, Taiwan was looking like it was going to cost substantially more (I estimated in the $10,000 range more), and with that extra money, we could bring the kids with us to China-- which might be nice (depending on their ages and temperaments at the time we travel). Given the risks involved in the Taiwan adoptions, the length of the wait, the additional costs, and the unknowns, we opted for China again.

2. What about the new restrictions? Do you qualify?
Yeah. We qualify. If something weird happens when we're in the review room, we'll have a valid international homestudy, we'll eat the agency cost, and we'll head for Ethiopia. Seriously.

3. Who are you using for the adoption?
We've returned to CCAI as our agency and Adoption Options as our homestudy agency. One of the reasons I was leaning against a California-based Taiwan agency is because they didn't work with Adoption Options, and I have had such a positive experience with them that I just didn't want to start a whole new homestudy process. Returning to agencies that have worked with us means they have a lot of our information and paperwork on file already, which makes our lives a lot easier.

4. Why now? Don't you think you should wait until after the Bar Exam?
Actually, making a decision is a huge relief. And perhaps we should wait until after July to start the paperwork, but with estimates placing the wait for a child from China estimated to stretch to 3 years, we know that getting paperwork done sooner rather than later makes sense. So we're taking it slowly, step by step, piece by piece. And when all the paperwork is together, we'll mail it in.

5. When do you think you'll be finished with "the paperchase"? What is the "paperchase" anyway?
Paperchasing is adoption lingo for gathering all the paperwork you need in your dossier. The dossier is the document that gets translated and sent to the China Center for Adoption Affairs, where they comb through your information and approve you as a prospective adoptive family. It includes birth certificates, marriage certificate, criminal clearance letters, proof of employment, proof of medical insurance, medial reports, a homestudy (which has a whole additional host of documents), a financial statement, and an adoption petition-- that's the brunt of it. To complete the dossier, though, not only do we have to collect all the right forms, but the forms have to go through a series of notarizations, certifications, and authentications to prove we haven't forged them or obtained them fraudulently. In addition to these documents, the homestudy is sent to USCIS (US Center for Immigration Services? I have no idea what it stands for; I'm totally making it up)-- anyway, they review the homestudy to approve us to bring home an orphan from a foreign country and they essentially pre-approve a visa for the child. This form/permission is the coveted 1-171H. And once that's in your hands, you can send everything off for certifications and authentications.

We are hoping to have our homestudy finished in August. We are hoping to have our paperwork all completed in September for shipment to our agency in October. Some of that will depend on whether we do all the notarizing, certifying, and authenticating ourselves, or if we have our agency do it for us. This process involves getting each document notarized. Then having our County Clerk certify the notary signature. Then having the Secretary of State in the local office certify the County Clerk signature (which is certifying the notary signature). Then we send all of that to the appropriate Chinese Consulate, which authenticates the Secretary of State signature (which is certifying the county clerk signature, which is certifying the notary signature). As you might imagine, that's rather time consuming.

6. Do you want a boy or a girl?
Yes. We want a boy or a girl. Or maybe we'll be brave and even request twins (which we'd never get, seeing as how we already have two kiddos). We go back and forth on this. We may request a boy. But even if we do, we'll make it clear we would be happy with a girl, too. We did not request a gender last time; we just requested a child "as young as possible." In the end, gender just isn't that important to us. On the one hand, I'd love to have another boy. On the other hand, I'd love to have another girl. Especially because Marcie is the only girl out of 7 grandkids. (Anyone else in the H. or S. families want to work on that for us? You know, ensure Marcie have a female playmate. . . we'd be cool with that!)

7. How old will the baby be?
We don't know. We qualify for a child ages 0-12 months old. And so that's what we will request.

8. Will the baby be from the same orphanage as Marcie?
Again, we don't know. We will be requesting a child from Yunyang Chengxiang Social Welfare Institute, which is where Marcie is from. We will be requesting a child from Chongqing Municipality, also where Marcie is from. We don't mind getting a child from anywhere in China, though. Going somewhere new would be a nice adventure. Returning to Chongqing would be nice, too-- we'd know what to expect, and it makes "returning to roots" much easier. But we're not that picky. We'll request these things, but I'm confident we'll end up with the child who is meant to be ours, no matter what part of China the child is from.

9. When will you meet the baby?
As I explained before, we're expecting the wait to stretch to two or three years. That puts us in China some time in 2010 or 2011. That's still awfully far away, which is why we're starting the process now. Marcie will be at least 5 by then. Casey will be 8. That's a bigger age spread than I'd ever planned. On the other hand, Jason will be home full time by then, and it's just more time to pay off debts and put away money. With five of us in our home, we'll be considering a home addition by the time 2011 rolls around, I think. If we can afford it. (Ah, to dream!)

10. Will this be "it"?
I don't know. We always planned to have at least three children. I can't say we'll close our hearts to additional family members after that. I can't say we'll seek another adoption actively, either. Let's see how things go with BS #3 and we can move forward from there.

11. What's your timeline so far?
I am keeping track of a timeline, which I'll be adding to the right margin eventually. Like I said, we're on schedule for now!

Have a question I didn't answer? E-mail me and I'll give you a response!

My, What a Difference a Year Makes, Part I

A year ago today we learned that the information about our soon-to-be daughter was being feverishly translated by our agency in Colorado. We learned that we would be getting all the details the following day.

A year ago today I was running between 14 and 18 miles a week. I was in the midst of training for the America's Finest City Half Marathon (which I didn't end up running).

A year ago today I was spending my days researching interesting legal issues, learning about "big firm life," and commuting to a high rise in downtown San Diego.

A year ago today my dog died. I can't believe it's been a whole year. Casey still asks about him-- seeks confirmation that Chuffy really died. He did.

A year ago today I still had another year of law school left to complete.

My, what a difference a year makes. . .

Today, I will spend between 6 and 8 hours in the law school library, cramming as much information about California law as I can in preparation for the bar exam.

Today I ate lunch with my sister, who is getting married in a year. I haven't seen her since Christmas time when she got engaged.

Today I woke up at 3am and again at 6:09am. The first time I was in my own bed. The second time I was in Marcie's bed. Marcie didn't even have a bed in our house a year ago.

Today Casey told me he didn't want to put on socks because he was playing Thomas and that if he couldn't watch TV this morning, he wanted his big brother and big sister and Uncle Jason and Aunt Stephanie and Uncle Tram (who is really Aunt Tram) and Uncle Bryan and Other Grandma. . . anyone but Mommy. He also told me he was mad at me, and later that he wasn't mad at me anymore. He couldn't say any of those things a year ago.

Today Marcie picked out what shoes she wanted to wear, told me what she wanted for breakfast, blew Jason kisses bye-bye, and gave Grandma a great big hug when we got to her house. A year ago, there were no sweet kisses and no warm hugs. Just a photo of Marcie sitting in a pile of papers with her Chinese name attached.

My, what a difference a year makes . . .

Cheese!

Soccer

Casey played in his first soccer game yesterday. Fortunately no one keeps score. At least not publicly. Casey loved it. He didn't lay down on the field. He didn't push the other kids around (nor did they push him). He even scored a goal. We're not sure how much he understands yet, because he volunteered to be goalie right at the start of the game. We know he had no idea what he was volunteering for, and it took him a while to figure out that he was supposed to stop the ball before it went in the net. In the end, he played the field-- and had a great time doing it. Check him out!

Shoes -- now with pictures

I. love. shoes. Just ask my dad. Or my husband. I love them. I love shopping for them. I love having them. And they last me forever. Seriously, I think I may even have a couple of pairs of shoes from high school still. I know I have some from college. And I graduated 12 years ago.

And I should confess that I don't have a lot of fancy, trendy, cool shoes. I have lots and lots of practical casual and work shoes. Truly. I have three pairs of black heels. One pair of black flats. Two pairs of black slides. Two pairs of black sling-backs (one is totally impractical and purchased on a whim two summers ago). And four pairs of black sandals. Oh. plus a pair of black mary janes and two pairs of black oxford-style lace-ups. That's just the black shoes. Not the tennis shoes, the red shoes (I actually have three pairs of red shoes), or the brown shoes. And that doesn't include flip flops.

I actually have really flat feet. And bunions. So I can't wear high heels without pain for any extended period of time, which means for longer than about an hour (which is too bad because I'm only five feet tall). But I still love shoes. I love them because no matter how tall you are (or how short), no matter how fat you are (or how thin), no matter what color your skin is-- shoes look good on everyone. They are fantastic to shop for. You rarely have to get all angry and depressed because "nothing fits." You can always find something to fit!

Well, all my shoe-wearing has really rubbed off on the kids. I've written before about how much Casey loves shoes. He has quite a shoe collection. And not be sexist, but I think it surprises me because he's a boy. He has two pairs of Lightning McQueen shoes, some Spiderman shoes, some Buzz Lightyear shoes, some Thomas shoes, and Spiderman sandals. He loves shopping for shoes. And wearing mine around the house.

Lately, I've been finding shoes all over the place. And not because of Casey, actually. Marcie has taken a shine to shoe-modeling, too. This morning I found a black flat under her highchair. I haven't worn it since April. She dug it out of my closet and clomped around the house with it, then discarded it when she got distracted by some other toy. The other day, I couldn't go to the gym because I couldn't find one of my running shoes. It was in her bedroom, next to her bed.

I can't say I'm displeased about this. I'm not. A little irritated maybe, but not unhappy. But this weekend, there has been a new interest in my flip flops. They are very comfortable flip flops-- I'm kind of picky about the piece that goes between the two toes, and this one is very soft. Marcie's been wearing them around my bedroom without putting her toes in them for a while. But Casey's interest is kind of new. Last night, Casey insisted on wearing them during story time. And this morning, Marcie and Casey got in a big fight over who could wear them. Which was really a shame because I wanted to wear them, much to their dismay.

So I took Casey to the store to see if we could find him some flip flops in his own size. And we did! I was surprised to discover three styles in his size. He picked some out, slid them on, and out the door we went. He's a little stiff walking in them still, but very excited about them. I'll post a picture of them a little later on . . .

Oh, and don't worry-- Marcie got some new shoes, too. I certainly wouldn't want to walk away empty-handed for her. She's wearing her new sandals (black with pink) as I type . . .

Jumping, Soccer, and other Fun

Sorry it's been a while. Is anyone even still reading this thing? Who would have guessed that studying for the bar would take so much out of me? Honestly, what's really kept me from blogging is lack of Internet access during the daytime. I'm too tired to get online when I get home, and I don't have Internet access during class. Which is probably better for my studying and focus. . .

So the big news this week is that Marcie has learned to jump. She is a riot with it. After the Little Gym class last week, she decided to try on her own. During class, she always bends her knees and lets me lift her, but this past weekend she decided to jump on her own. And, my, she is very proud of herself. And so darn cute doing it. She has also begun to run. Not speed walk (I am always so surprised and impressed at how quickly toddlers move!), but run. This morning, she ran from the car to her grandmother's front door. She paused before the stoop step and stepped up it carefully, then stretched up on her tippy toes to ring the doorbell. All. By. her. self. It's crazy how fast she's growing up.

As pleased as I am with her motor development (and her language skills, which never cease to impress me-- this morning she said thank you unprompted!), I am really displeased with her sleep habits. I vaguely remember Casey going through this phase of waking in the middle of the night and wanting a milk cup/bottle-- or was it chicken? There was also a phase during which he'd wake up at 1am and ask for chicken to eat. And I remember talking to someone (my mom? Jason? friends?) about how it was bad for his teeth and I needed to break him of it. But I was so tired, that it was just so hard not to just give him the drink and let him put himself back to sleep. For the life of me, I cannot remember what we did to resolve the issue. Or if it cleared on its own. I think it might have gone away on its own, and we chalked it up to a growth spurt. Oh, but if only it were so easy with Marcie. After going to bed last night, she got up twice-- once around midnight and the other time around 5am. I guess that's 5 hours of sleep in a row. But the night before-- goodness almighty-- I was up with her four times. Each time she asked me for milk, and each time I said no. Until 4am. When I finally gave in and gave her some water. I probably just totally ruined things doing that, huh? I probably almost had her trained to believe I wouldn't get her middle-of-the-night beverages and blew it when she asked the fourth time. Anyway, it's getting old.

And I can't help but wonder my eternal question-- are Marcie's sleep issues just regular kid issues or adoption issues? Is she just not used to sleeping alone? She's been home with us in her own bed now since November, so around 7 1/2 months. Is it that she is frightened by the dark? (We leave a hall light on now.) Is it that she wants to make sure I'm still around? Or am I just making too much of it all? It's so hard to know-- and as I have explained to all those people around me who roll their eyes at me when I talk about it-- I don't want to be one of those people who blames everything on adoption. But I also don't want to ignore the fact that Marcie may have issues that we need to give more time to than we would if she were with us from birth. And for me, sleeping is just one of those things. I go back and forth on it. Sometimes I think, "Enough is enough already!" But then the next day I think, "Geez, Karen, give it some time, already!"

Anyway, in other news, Casey plays in his first real soccer game this Saturday! Hopefully we'll get some photos or video of that. More importantly, hopefully he won't just lay down on the field and ignore the ball. And the real big news of last week was the arrival of my nephew, Ethan Xavier H. He is the seventh grandchild to my parents, the sixth boy. (Poor Marcie!)He was 7 pounds, 4 ounces and 20 inches. He had a full head of hair (almost as much as Marcie!!!), and eyebrows already. I'd post a picture of me and Jason with him, but I stupidly forgot my camera when we went to visit him in the hospital, and I've been staying away ever since (because I developed a viral throat infection on Sunday-- good times, but at least I can breathe, so I'm grateful for that!).

I DO have more to tell- I think I left everyone hanging with our adoption decision. And we did make one. And we are paper-chasing for BS #3. But I'll have to save that for another post, when I have a bit more time to write.

Oh. And for those of you still reading this blog. Thank you.

Little Gym Show Week

So this was the last week of Marcie's Little Gym class. We've missed the past three weeks-- two because I was in bar review class and one for graduation. But we made it back in time for Marcie to accept her award. She cried during each "skill" activity. I think that was in small part because I let her head roll off the balance beam when she was doing her forward roll on it. It' s not as awful as it sounds-- Miss Ashley was right there and gave Marcie's head support-- but I think it freaked her out. And it was the first skill we did, so then she was timid with me the rest of the time (I can't imagine why!). She did manage the pull over on the bar-- but, again she cried during it. She nailed the forward rolls on the air track and the floor. And she kicked ball after ball and dropped them in the basketball hoop. She (finally) notice the bubbles during bubble time and ran through them in wonderment. And during the "awards" part of class, she ran right up to Miss Ashley to get her ribbon, which she wore on her wrist for the closing song and stamp.

I was kicking myself for forgetting the camera. But I just now remembered that I actually did have it with me in my bag. I'm feeling even more stupid for having it and not using it than I felt when I just thought I didn't have it. Such is life. Her new class starts next weekend-- so I'll just have to be sure to get some photos of her then.

Prelude to Father's Day

Casey came home from school with a gift for Jason that had me laughing so hard, I was crying. I just have to share:

What I know about Dad

My Dad's name is Daddy.
He weighs 123 pounds.
He is 12 feet tall.
His hair is black.
He buys a size 1 pants.
He likes to wear shirts.
On his birthday he has 7 candles on his cake.
Dad's favorite color is red.
His favorite sport is baseball and soccer.
He watches baseball on TV.
His favorite restaurant is Red Robin.
He loves to cook corn.
When he shops he loves to buy Food-- peanut butter and jelly.
My dad is special because I love Daddy.
On Father's Day, I want to buy my dad a firefighter.

I must admit, I thought the restaurant and food shopping were the funniest-- because those are what Casey likes. But the height and weight had me in stitches, too. And corn? Has Jason ever even cooked corn? Jason's actually a great cook, and he cooks for the kids all the time-- but never corn! Though Casey was right about one thing-- Jason DOES have 7 candles on his birthday cake each year. Of course, he has a few more in addition to that, too! Hee hee. I love it!

Raising a Lefty

I am a total idiot with my left hand. Sure, I can do some things-- like type. I can swing a bat about equally well with my left and right hands. And I swing a golf club about equally well with my left and right hands. (That should tell you something about the quality of my batting and swinging.) So trying to teach Casey how to do things with his left hand-- particularly the fine motor things (like cutting and drawing)-- well, let's just say I'm not the greatest role model.

Now truth is that kids don't actually set on a handedness until around age 6, and you're not supposed to push them into one hand or the other because they may prefer to do some things with one and some with the other. But me? I don't think I could every do anything with my left hand. I sure can't feed myself or cook with it. But Casey on the other hand, he's pretty darn good with both hands. Yeah, he prefers his left for fine motor things-- but there's no discernible difference in the quality of cutting or drawing between samples done with his right hand as compared to those with his left (and that you should tell you something about the quality of his work!).

But when it comes to sports, this ambidexterity is, for the most part, pretty neat to watch. Casey has recently taken a major liking to baseball. He wants to play baseball every minute of sunlight. He's always had great aim and a strong arm (both with his right and left arms). And now he's taking a shine to batting. Sure, he hits of a tee. But if you over-hand throw a ball to him he. can. hit. it. I can't even do that half the time. Even when people are trying to throw me balls to hit. Then again, I think I've already established we probably shouldn't use my ball skills as a measuring stick.

Anyway, yesterday he started talking about wanting to wear a glove. He didn't know what it was called at first, but Jason tells me he actually found a brown paper bag somewhere in the house and fashioned himself a glove! So today we decided to buy Casey his first baseball glove.

Now this is tricky because Casey is a lefty. He definitely prefers batting right-handed. But he wants to throw the ball with his left hand. And the selection of left-handed gloves for preschoolers is, well, non-existent. They had sponge bob and princess 8.5" gloves. They had 8.5" and 9" right-handed gloves. But I guess there isn't much of a market for the little guys who throw with their left hands. So Casey got a 10" glove (because it was the smallest we could find). And he carried it with him everywhere today.

And I mean everywhere. Check him out as he laid down for his nap:

Snack

Marcie has mastered the word snack. She mastered it a while ago. But she's gotten pretty good at expressing her dietary desires by using it. It's the first thing she says after "guh guh" (Big Brother in Mandarin) and milk in the mornings. She even says it after breakfast. And this morning she screamed at Jason (literally) and threw herself down on the ground when he wouldn't give her more food (she'd already had a bowl of cereal with milk, two cups of milk, and half a banana).

Marcie is a child of opinion and determination. Something of a spitfire. She'll grab me by the hand and drag me all over the place, demanding my presence where she wants to be. I actually kind of like it. I like that she has opinions. I'll go out on a limb and guess that I'll like it less when she's a teenager and back-talks me (as all teenagers do). But for now, I like it. I think it's evidence of her confidence.

Anyway, in fitting with this opinionated and determined attitude, last week she followed me to the fridge while I was making lunches. I took out the lunch meat, and the mayo-- the pickles and the jelly. And when I went to close the door, Marcie squawked at me. So I let her root around for about 30 seconds, and then I told her it was time to close the door so we wouldn't waste any electricity. As I shut the door, she looked up at me and said, "Bit."

"You want bit?" I asked.

"Yup," she replied.

"Marcie, Mommy doesn't know what bit is. Can you show me?" Marcie dragged me over to the cutting board, where I was making the sandwiches and stretch her pudgy little arm up, feeling around. "Bread?" I asked, "You want bread?"

"Yup," she replied.

"Okay." I pulled out a slice of bread. "Do you want peanut butter on it?" She nodded her head yes. "Can you say peanut butter?"

"Peas," she repeated.

"Good enough," I smiled. And handed her the bread with peanut butter on it. She's getting better at saying peanut butter, though I doubt anyone but me would understand that bit and peas is bread with peanut butter. Still, she sure did enjoy her snack:

Night Night

Even though I don't have much awake time with the kids, I do manage to kiss them good night every night. Here's how they look to me:

Stealing Moments

I never imagined I could feel busier than I did while working, helping raise two children, and attending law school at night. But I do. I spent hours upon hours listening to lectures, then in the library. Then I come home to a quiet house and try to study some more. I find myself looking forward (!) to being startled out of a deep sleep somewhere between 5:45am and 6:15am because it's my special (and most days of late) only time with them.

I was really looking forward to this morning because it's been a full week since I've had more than 2 hours in a row to play with them. . .

This morning, while we were outside adjusting the bubble machine, I noticed a lizard on the back fence. "Casey," I whispered loudly. "Look at that lizard." I pointed to it just as the lizard rose up on what I imagine to be its tippy toes, and scurried a bit.

"Come on, Mommy," he whispered loudly back. But I didn't have my shoes on, and I feared if I went inside to find some (wherever Marcie had hidden them), I wouldn't make it back in time to get an up-close view of our lizard friend.

"No, Casey. You go. Before it runs away."

He hesitated. Then looked back and forth between me and the lizard, and finally he grabbed Marcie's hand and whispered loudly to her, "Come on, Marcie. Let's go see the wizard." She held his hand tightly as they slowly stepped across the dead patches of what used to be grass in our backyard. And they came to a stop about a foot and a half from the fence. I could still hear Casey, though, as he whispered to Marcie, "We have to be very quiet and very slow so we don't scare the wizard." (yeah, sometimes his Ls are a lot like his Ws)

I actually got choked up. I'm sure that has nothing to do with being over-tired. But seriously, how cute is that! To see my 4 year old taking such good care of my 18-month-old. To see him behave in such a gentle way. To see him teach her something he'd learned.

I am so grateful I got to steal that moment with the kids. . .

Coming Apart at the Seams

I've been staring at books and computers too long. I actually changed the spelling of seams in the title of this post three times before I settled on using an a in it instead of an e. Yes, I realize they have completely different (and unrelated) meanings. That should tell you something about the fog my brain is currently covered in.

It's me. I'm the one coming apart at the seams. My week-long wait between posts has not been because I have nothing to say (that's a rarity few people have experienced!). I've just been swamped. This studying for the bar stuff--- let's just say I feel like I fell into the deep end of the pool, and although I know how to tread water and I used to know how to swim, I still don't have the confidence to just start swimming. . . I still leave my house between 7:15am and 7:30am, and I still roll home some time around 10pm most nights. But now I spend all those intervening hours cramming 12-15 legal subjects (depending on how you divide it up) into my tiny brain. It's exhausting.

But that's not what's done me in. What's done me in is . . .

Ta Da!

STREP THROAT. AGAIN.

So in the month of May, I had the joy of strep throat, a few days of health, followed by a bad head cold, and then another bout of strep throat. Good times. I must say, I am seriously wonder if Casey and Marcie are carriers who just keep giving it back to me. I mean, I have to be contracting it from somewhere. And strep throat, untreated, can lead to rheumatic fever. Which can damage your heart. So if the kids do have it and are demonstrating absolutely no symptoms (as is the case here), what is a parent to do? Yes, I called the pediatrician. They told us not to bother if there are not symptoms. Despite the fact that a month ago when they had no symptoms, they both had strep throat.

Anyway, I'm feeling better today-- I started antibiotics on Friday. Spent the weekend in the library (shocking). And I'm in the library now. Taking a very short break in between completing practice essay outlines on Evidence and starting to compile my Criminal Law outline.

Noteworthy, I think, is the new vocabulary that has crept into our home:
CASEY now says things like, "Mommy go to library to study?" And understands (at least seems to) that I have "big test" coming up. He's also figured out that "Mommy goes to school" even when "school is closed." I like to think I'm just setting him up for a future life of academia-- right? I mean, if Mommy always studies, that must be what people do. . . Yep. I'm role-modeling.

He's also taken up baseball, and darned if he isn't actually good at it! He loves swinging the bat (right-handed-- even though he's mainly a lefty). And he is pretty on-target with hitting the ball off the tee, too. Turns out you have to be 5 to play Little League around here-- so I hope his interest lasts!

MARCIE doesn't understand that I'm studying. She has developed quite an affinity for Jason in the mornings, though. This morning, she crept into our bedroom while I was putting on shoes, put her pointer finger over her mouth and said, "SHHH!" while she pointed to Jason, asleep. She has also added the word "train" and "Thomas" and even "Peep! Peep!" to her list of words and phrases.

That's all that's really been going on. Thanks for all your congratulatory thoughts-- especially Ruth if you're reading this. I was shocked that, with all you have going on, you popped in to see my little old blog. Shocked isn't the right word. Touched is. And if you don't know about Ruth, and you're interested, you can check out her blog. She's a fighter!

True Feminism

I don't actually think of myself as a feminist or a non-feminist. I think women should have equal opportunities to men. I think men should have similar opportunities to women. This is evidenced, at least in small part, by our family goal to have Jason become a full-time-stay-at-home-dad, while I go off to be our family wage-earner. Fortunately for me, this is one place where Jason and I see eye to eye. And I know you're thinking it-- but I do recognize that complete equality is neither physically possible, nor is it likely desirable. I'm thinking a bunch of pregnant men running around would give me (and many other women) a gigantic headache!

Like many strong-willed, independently-minded women, I hope to raise my daughter to be equally independent. I hope to teacher her self-reliance. I hope she becomes confident and trusts herself above all others. And along with that comes my complete (well, almost complete) lack of concern over gender-specific attire and such. Don't get me wrong, I like dressing her in pink now and again. I want her to grow her hair out. I am not anti-femininity by any stretch of the imagination. But if Marcie wants to wear her brother's hand-me-down Car clothes-- even his (gasp!) underwear (seeing as how they don't make it in girl version), I'm not gonna get in her way.

And when she picks up the Thomas trains, or she climbs in the giant dump truck, or she points out trucks and buses on the road, I feel no concern that she is not appropriately girly. I just don't think it should-- or does-- matter.

But I think the true measure of feminism has nothing to do with how a mother raises her daughter. I think for true signs of equality, we need look no further than a mother-- or father's-- attitude toward their son's attire. Choice of toys. And such. And last week I got an ever-so-brief lesson in what that really means when we were at a local park. Casey saw a scooter laying on the ground, and he decided he wanted to test it out. So he did. Mind you, he was completely unconcerned by its appearance. Here he is riding it at the park:

Now, I have no concerns that because Casey selected the pink princess scooter it's an indication of his sexuality. He's four, for crying out loud. And I wouldn't even really mind if it were. He is who he is. But something inside me screamed out in alarm-- I mean, if he picked this out for himself, would I purchase it? Or would I direct him toward a "more appropriate" Spiderman version? And if Marcie were his older sister instead of his younger one and she had a scooter like this, would I be content with Casey riding it as a hand-me-down toy? Or would I feel compelled to purchase him a more "masculine" scooter? I'd like to think the notion of my son riding around on a pink, frilly scooter evokes no reaction in me at all-- just as it clearly evoked no reaction in him. Maybe I should be taking a lesson from Casey in what it really means to be a feminist!

Drumroll please . . .

So I've been away from blogging for an entire week. And, very uncharacteristically, I've also been away from reading other blogs for most of the week. I'm starting to go through withdrawal!
When I left off, I was anxiously awaiting the results of my final exams to see where I'd pan out in class rank at the end of it all. I was also coming down with a pretty nasty cold. As for the cold, I'm doing much better -- no thanks to my bar review schedule, though. Monday I studied for about 4 hours after our Barbri class, and I landed in bed completely dizzy and wiped out. I felt better Tuesday, but after 5 hours of a Barbri torts lecture and another 3 hours of studying, I went to another three hour lecture. Wednesday I took it easy because my parents were in town, and we celebrated my mom's 33rd birthday. Obviously, it isn't really my mom's 33rd birthday-- and my mom's not the kind of lady who's hung up on age at all. It's just that I forgot to buy candles, and since Jason and I both celebrated our 33rd birthdays this past November, we had two #3 candles lying around, which we used. We had delicious carrot bundt cake and cheesecake, too.

Thursday was grueling. The Barbri lecture (by one of my all-time favorite legal scholars-- Erwin Chemerinsky!) was from 9-5. I immediately went to another torts lecture following that-- finishing my day around 10pm. Then Friday I took it easy. After Barbri, Jason and I ran some errands and headed out with my parents to the law school awards ceremony.

There's no way I'll be able to keep this pace and survive all the way until the end of July-- but this is graduation week, so I've sucked it up for now, and I'm hoping to settle in to a normal routine this coming week.

Here's the basic run-down on the graduation stuff.

Friday night was the awards ceremony. I think it was pretty close, but in the end, I did end up getting the Legal Scholar Award. This was given to me because I earned the highest GPA in the evening division of law school. There aren't a lot of us in the evening division-- which basically just means among those who attended school part-time over 4 years instead of full-time for 3 years. But I worked hard to keep this standing, and I really wanted this award. It came with a very generous cash gift. We went to Spaghetti Factory for dinner because that's what I really wanted. We never go there (even though it's a great price) because the kids don't eat pasta. So it was a treat for me.

Then, this morning, at graduation, they asked me to put a doily on my mortar board. Being a traditionalist and not wanting anything on my cap, initially I refused. "No thanks," I said. "I'm kind of a traditionalist."

"It's for Order of the Coif," they explained. Order of the Coif is a national honor society-- not every school is able to initiate members into this society. And the students admitted must be in the top 10 % of their graduating class. My school inducted 33 members. I was one of them. They did a special induction during the awards ceremony during which we were recognized. It was cool.

During the graduation ceremony, there were two main speakers. A prestigious keynote-- one of the Supreme Court of Minnesota justices (whose name escapes me at the moment). He spoke about legal ethics and the importance of being ethical in practice. I missed most of the speech because I was reviewing intentional torts and defamation elements in my mind (still trying to memorize). The other speaker was our class valedictorian-- who gave an entertaining and engaging speech dispelling three myths of law school graduation. She also touched a bit on ethics-- she explained that a friend of hers received a reference request for her moral character application. The request read: Does this applicant hold herself up to the standard you expect of an attorney in the legal profession? He wanted to to know if it was a joke-- would it be more helpful to answer that question in the positive or the negative, given the reputation of the legal profession today . . .

Anyway, when they read names, they also indicated the honors the individual received. So students learned as they were walking across stage whether they were in the top 5% or the top 15% (or if they were in either). I knew I was in the top 10% from receiving Order of the Coif, but I was delighted to learn I graduated magna cum laude, which means I was in the top 5% of the graduating class!

So there you go. Law school is officially over. I am officially a graduate. I worked my butt off. My husband worked his tail off holding the family together. My in-laws were our safety net, watching the kids whenever we needed their help, always encouraging me. My siblings and siblings-in-law stepped up time and again when I needed someone to watch the kids or help me out with something. My parents listened to me gripe about the test or grades or whatever. My friends reminded me that I need to strive for balance in my life-- that life is not just about law school. And my kids . . . . well, they're a major part of the reason I went to school in the first place. I loved teaching, but being an attorney means they get a stay-at-home parent (hopefully in the next two years). So while everyone congratulated me and celebrated me today because I was the one who read the books and outlined the material and wrote the exams-- I know this accomplishment isn't just about me. It's about all those people who pushed me along the way.

And I'll just mention one other thing. I didn't get into law school. I was rejected from every school to which I applied, and only wait-listed at the University of San Diego School of Law. I'm not sure why-- I actually had the numbers for any of the schools. I guess I didn't show well on paper. Regardless, a mere three days before the start of orientation, USD offered me a spot off the wait-list, and I accepted it-- with a lot of prodding from my parents and Jason. I find great satisfaction in being the kid who didn't even get accepted-- but still earned the highest GPA in my unit and graduated among the top 16 people in the school. It just goes to show you that you can't always judge a person by what they look like on paper.


Photo credits: My mom and Casey at her birthday party, me and Marcie before I left for graduation (Casey refused to take a photo with me, while I shouted after him, "You'll regret that decision in 10 years when you want to know where your picture with me is!"- he didn't seem to care), Jason and me, Jim and me and Yee (me with my in-laws) , me with my parents, my study group (Paul & Delinda)-- who are going to help me prepare for and pass the California bar!

Catching Air

I have a feeling Marcie is going to like rollercoasters (just like her Mama). Check her out:

Bows and the Bathtub

No time to write at the moment. But enjoy!

I'm so impressed Grandma was able to tie actual ribbon bows in her hair!

Sniffles and Hacking

Marcie finished her antibiotic eye drops on Saturday for the eye infection. Guess what she woke up with yesterday? A cold. The poor child hasn't gone (I think maybe literally) a whole week healthy in I-don't-remember-how-long! A part of me wonders why. We don't have her in day care. (But her brother is in preschool and apparently likes to bring home germs!) And a part of me thinks, Well, at least she's building up her immune system now.

She had her 18 month check up yesterday. I had class so Jason took her. They wanted to give her vaccinations even though she has a cold. They explained that it's still recommended by the American Pediatrics Association to do it and that most doctors will. Jason told them they can wait a week for her immune system to build up some. She's been on antibiotics almost continuously for so long-- her body needs some time to heal itself. And this cold. They were pretty high-pressure, but Jason held his ground. She'll go back next week for the shots.

Here are her stats:
Age: 18 months, 1 day
Height: 32.75 inches (80th percentile)-- this is less than before. At her 1-year, she was in the 90-something percentile.
Weight: 27 lbs (80th percentile)-- so for all those people out there who comment what a "healthy" girl she is, she is exactly proportionate!
Head Circumference: 47 cm (65th percentile). We think her head is large now! Not too big for her body, just large. I can't imagine if her noggin were also in the 80th percentile!

We're also sleep training. Marcie goes down to bed like a dream now (thanks to Jason). No tears. She just lays down in bed and puts herself asleep. It took about 5 days to train her to do that. But she's still waking up at least once in the night-- and sometimes twice and screaming for me. Then falling right back asleep if one of us goes in with her.

I've been really paranoid (that's not the right word for it-- cautious is more appropriate) about sleep training. Though Marcie has transitioned into our family beautifully, I know that sometimes children only exhibit attachment problems at night. One school of thought is that if you don't show up when your child is screaming for you, she will feel abandoned. Another school of thought is that if you're there for hr the other 98% of the time, it's all fine. I don't think either is necessarily right 100% of the time. And I think that with children adopted in the later parts of infancy from an institution or from foster care, you really have to trust your gut.

I can hear in Marcie's scream that she is not actually scared. Her nighttime screaming and crying is her tantrum screaming and crying. And so I've taught her that if she pitches a fit, I will come. It's time to re-teach her. It's important that she know how to put herself back to sleep.

Last night she woke up twice. The first time, I was still up. After a couple minutes, I just appeared in her doorway and told her, "Mommy's here. Go back to sleep, Marcie. Lay down." and she did. The second time, she didn't calm down from my words. So I went into the room and rubbed her back and told her I loved her and it was time to sleep. I kissed her goodnight and left the room.

She woke me up again around 5:45am this morning, which is normal for her. So I think that's a good sign. Of course, I've said that before and been wrong. Plus, apparently she woke up Monday and Tuesday nights, too, and I didn't hear her-- so Jason went in with her. He's not up yet, so it's possible he spent part of last night with her, too.

Anyway, that's what we're up to these days!

Yep. It's Over. Sort of.

Today was my last law school exam. So I'm finished. Unless I failed one of the exams. Which is unlikely. I mean, I know I didn't bomb either of them. Besides, the rumor is that if you do fail a final exam, they have you either write a paper on the topic or retake the test until you pass it. Of course, that all has to happen in the next 9 days or so because graduation is a week from Saturday.

I felt really prepared for both exams. I honestly don't think additional studying would have helped me perform on either of them. Yet I do not feel like I nailed either of them. And in law school, it's never just about you you do-- it's about how you do in comparison to everyone else.

Why do I care? As has been pointed out to me-- I have a job lined up for the fall. My grades don't really matter. I'm not going to be class valedictorian or anything. And even if I did earn Ds in these last two courses, I would still graduate in the top 10% of my class. . .

Well, the answer to that is fear. Pure and simple. I have been number one in my section (not the school, mind you-- just my puny section of students who began law school in the fall of 2003 and will graduate in 2007) since the fall of 2004. That's a long time. And a lot of pressure. Especially since there's no award for being first in the Evening section. Except that there is. An award. For being number 1. And I happen to know that number 2 is less than .05 behind me. So my performance this week will actually determine if I am awarded an honor for being first in my section. It's not the end of the world if I don't get it. I'm still graduating. With honors. But it'd be a bummer to work this hard for this long and then not get that darned award. Of course, I'm sure the #2 person feels similarly!

So even though law school is over and the bar is still a couple months off, I have managed to find something to be obsessed and high-strung about. What a shock.

In the meantime, to help calm my nerves while waiting for the actual awards and graduation ceremonies, I am . . .

Studying.

My first bar review course started Monday (the day before yesterday). I skipped (gasp!) the first two classes because they conflicted with my final exams, and I'll make up the bar review classes next week.

Geesh. Talk about giving a girl a little bit '0 stress. Have her finish her last final and begin studying for the bar exam before she even gets to celebrate the graduation part!

Oh well. I guess I'd better get used to not having any real vacations if I'm going to be an attorney!

Car Scares

Does this ever happen to you?
It's happened to me a few times now, and it scares the hell out of me every time.

Here's what happens:
6:00am (maybe 5:45am) Marcie wakes up. Bright eyed. Cheery even. This morning she sang out "MOMMY!" and got right up in my face to wake me up.

6:02 am Marcie gets dressed.

6:05 am Marcie watches her brother get dressed.

6:10 am Marcie and Casey brush their teeth.

6:15 am Marcie drinks a couple of milk and snacks on dry cereal while she toddles around and gets into things. Casey gets a bowl of cereal and 30 minutes of TV (if he was good when it was time to dress and brush his teeth).

6:30 am Marcie harasses Casey and they bicker. I intervene. Casey tells Marcie to stop trying to eat his cereal already! I remind Casey he needs to eat his cereal.

6:35 am Marcie watches me make Casey's lunch and Jason's breakfast. She begs for more food because she's finished eating her dry cereal. She wants bread with peanut butter. More often than not, I don't relent because I know she's had enough dry cereal.

6:45 am The TV goes off and Marcie begins following Casey around while he plays. Marcie checks on me in the bathroom, where I'm usually showering and putting on make up at this point in the morning.

7:15 am We say good bye to Casey and to Daddy. I search for a sweatshirt or jacket to put on Marcie. I load up the car. I put Marcie in her car seat and buckle her in. I try to entice her to read a book in the backseat.

7:30am We finally pull out of the driveway to go to Grandma's house where Marcie will spend the day.

7:40am I chat with Marcie while we are at a stop light. I can see in the rear view mirror that she is occupying herself by untying her shoelaces and bending over to reach a lace and chew on it. We smile and laugh.

7:45am I look back in the rear view mirror, and Marcie is still playing with the shoelace.

7:47am I look back as we round the corner to Grandma's street and Marcie is passed out. Sometimes she's slumped sideways. Sometimes her head is tossed back. I feel sudden panic. How could she fall asleep that quickly? She didn't even look tired! IS she asleep? Did she get something and choke on it? Is she breathing? I call out to her, "Marcie! Marcie! Wake up!" Horrible thoughts run through my mind -- I try to remember how to do mouth-to-mouth as I pull into Grandma's driveway, ready to pull her out of her car seat and throw her on the grass to perform whatever life-saving technique is necessary.

7:49am I put the car in park and turn off the engine. I leap out of the car, race to the side her car seat is on, and begin tugging on the straps to undo them. I try to check her pulse with my left hand while I unbuckle the belt with my right. No luck. So I lean over her face, hoping to feel her breath on my cheek. I do. And I feel sudden relief.

7:50am I lift Marcie out of the car seat and walk her to the front door. I am so glad she is okay. Grandma reaches out for Marcie, and we quietly remove her shoes so she can nap.

But seriously-- a nap? Already? The kid hasn't been awake even two hours! She 18 months old! She goes without napping at all some days!

All this worrying sure does tucker me out sometimes.

B.S. #3-- Timeline

4/07 Lots of research on Taiwan adoption

5/08/07 Selected potential Taiwan agency

5/10/07 Contacted CCAI about new China requirements (we qualify)

5/14/07 Received CCAI application

5/15/07 Submitted CCAI appliction (mailed it) (fee waived for second-time adoption!)

5/15/07 Contacted Adoption Options, our homestudy agency

5/15/07 Received Financial Statement/Verification of 90-day average bank account balances from our bank


5/17/07 Received homestudy application paperwork and filled it out. (Fee waived for second-time adoption!)

5/18/07 Delivered homestudy application and 2 photos of each of us to our homestudy agency (Adoption Options). Paid first homestudy fee.

5/21/07 Received homestudy packet/information.

5/22/07 Application officially accepted by CCAI. Received medical risk document and fee payment schedule to get notarized and to return.

5/24/07 Jason's first physical appointment

5/25/07 Request for criminal clearance letters at the County Sheriff

5/25/07 Notarized CCAI agreement and risk statement

5/25/07 Mailed CCAI agreement, risk statement, and first fee

5/25/07 Mailed I600A with fee for processing and fingerprinting

5/27/07 Asked two friends to write letters of reference

5/27/07 Asked future (potential) guardians to write letter of guardianship

5/30/07 Received Fingerprint referral notices for week of June 4th

6/1/07 Received criminal clearances in the mail

6/3/07 Requested letter of recommendation from preschool teachers

6/3/07 Requested letters of reference from two more friends

6/5/07 Karen's DOJ fingerprints

6/6/07 Karen's USCIS fingerprints

6/20/07 Jason's USCIS fingerprints

6/20/07 Jason's lab work for medical exam

6/21/07 Mailed agency documentation to home study agency

6/26/07 phone call from Jason's doctor letting us know his lab results are in (yeah!)

6/26/07 Karen orders birth certificates from New Jersey via vital chek

6/28/07 Karen's physical exam

6/28/07 Paperwork to pediatrician for the kids

6/29/07 Karen's blood work and TB test

6/29/07 Jason's DOJ fingerprinting

7/1/07 in-home visit w/ social worker

7/2/07 Karen's additional blood work (b/c first set didn't include Hep B results)

7/25/07 Mailed request for certification of Karen's birth certificate to State of New Jersey

7/27/07 Casey's TB test

7/30/07 Casey medical form completed

7/30/07 Received Karen's birth certificate from NJ

7/31/07 Kare's medical form completed

8/1/07 Jason attempts to get missing labwork completed, but lab closes early

8/1/07 Received medical insurance verification

8/1/07 Marcie's medical form completed

8/1/07 Karen & Jason request employment verification

8/1/07 Mailed all documentation and photos to homestudy agency

8/22/07 Mailed Jason's employment verification and final payment, post placement fees, and post placement deposits to homestudy agency

8/29/07 Homestudy draft sent to CCAI for review

8/30/07 Homestudy draft given the green light for finalization

9/11/07 Walked in the homestudy to USCIS and received our I-171H in return!

9/12/07 Notarized all adoption documents

9/12/07 Certified all adoption documents with County Clerk

9/12/07 Certified all adoption documents with Secretary of State

9/13/07 Overnighted dossier documents to Red Tape Solution, courier service to deliver paperwork to Chinese Consulate in Los Angeles

9/14/07 Chinese Consulate authenticated all our documents

9/18/07 Received authenticated documents

9/19/07 Karen's passport photos for dossier; selected Family Life and Couple photos for dossier

9/20/07 Jason's passport photos for dossier; printed photos; completed photocopies to Fed Ex dossier to CCAI

9/21/07 Dossier packet mailed to CCAI via Fed Ex

9/24/07 Confirmation of dossier received by CCAI-- dossier enters critical review

10/1/07 Out of critical review! On to translation. Should be mailed within a week.

Happy Mother's Day!

To all you moms out there, Happy Mother's Day! And a special shout-out to my own mom, who never gets to spend Mother's Day with her kids, but is always on our minds . . .

Every year on Mother's Day, I think about my journey to motherhood-- how I got where I am. When Jason and I first began our quest for children, I just assumed we'd be pregnant within 3 months, become of a family of 3 within the year. Not so. And as the months dragged by and we took stock of our goals, we quickly realized that our goal wasn't pregnancy, it was family! And fortunately for me, I have a rational husband who shared my sense that family isn't about biology, and off our first adoption adventure we began.

When we first contemplated open adoption, we were skeptical. Who isn't really? What with all those crazy-scary Lifetime movies about birth families changing their minds and taking back their children, it would seem that adoption can be a scary and risky venture. And it can be. I mean, here in California, for instance, biological parents have up to 3 months (90 days!) to change their minds and rescind the adoption. Adoptive parents then have to return the child (the child they've been caring for!). But my guess is that the statistics on this are more rare than Lifetime would like us to think. (Admittedly, for those to whom this has happened, the statistics don't mean anything because the pain of it all is so hard to bear.)

In any case, we thought open adoption was a great idea. The notion that we could know our child's birth family-- his ongoing medical history (which of course changes over time as relatives age). The idea that if he had a question about his biological mother, he could just ask her. The notion that he would always know adoption was a decision borne of love and not of passivity or lacking concern. And if I were to do it again, I'd choose an open adoption again in a heartbeat. I wouldn't do it any other way-- we've gained so much from the relationship with Casey's extended family. And so has he. More aunts and uncles to love him. More grandparents to spoil him. More cousins to play with. And even a big brother and big sister to mentor him and teach him to play ball and to cherish him. There is no lack of love in Casey's world. Open adoption has not been co-parenting-- there is no question who makes the decisions about Casey. Open adoption has been about Casey knowing who he is and where he came from and how ended up as part of our family. It works a little differently for everyone, but putting Casey's interests first means honoring who he is. And that means where he comes from, too.

Last week The Washington Post did an article on open adoption (thanks for e-mailing it to me, Alison), and what I love about the article is how it features the child's birthmother. Because today, on Mother's Day, that article speaks to me especially vividly. I think about how Casey's birthmom would have had the joy and the pain of watching him grow up, grateful that he was healthy and well-adjusted and loved, and sorrowful for all the times she had to say good-bye. Birthmothers-- or first mothers-- they make real sacrifice. And that makes them mothers. So today, on Mother's Day, I want to say Happy Mother's Day to birthmothers, biological moms, first mothers out there. It's so easy to be forgotten. We focus so heavily on how "real" moms do the parenting (and we do!). But that doesn't mean birthmothers aren't real moms, too.

As an adoptive mom of two, I am so very grateful for the gift my kids' biological mothers gave them-- and me. If Casey's birthmom had lived, he would have always known who she was. And she would have always known how well he was doing. But it would have been painful, too. To see him and not be with him. Marcie's birthmom won't have that benefit. If they celebrated Mother's Day in China, I wonder what she would be doing today. I imagine she wonders about Marcie every day. I imagine she prays that Marcie ended up in a good home with a family who loves her and takes good care of her (she did!). I imagine the pain of not knowing is sometimes unbearable. And that would make Mother's Day even more difficult for her.

We have made a commitment to our children-- that they will grow up knowing their roots. I hope that it means not only knowing extended family (for Casey) and learning about China (for Marcie). I hope it also means they will grow up honoring their first mothers for the sacrifice they made-- not selfishly, but lovingly.

I know there is a holiday here in the U.S.-- Birthmother's Day-- celebrated the day before Mother's Day. I think it's intended to honor those women who give birth but do not parent those children. And it's a cool idea. In theory. But I don't think it needs to be a separate day. First mothers, Long-time mothers-- we're all mothers just the same. And today is a day to honor all moms, near and far.

Cheating-- on becoming a parent for the second (or third) time

So you know we've decided to begin our process for kiddo #3. I was talking to a friend who is a mom of one this week about whether she and her husband are ready to start thinking about #2 yet. Her daughter is almost 1. She laughed at me. Not ready yet. And that made me think about how I felt when we were contemplating number two so many years ago.

We've always planned on having at least 3 children. Where the kids would come from, the number of years between each one-- those details, well, we left those to be determined.

When Casey was about 16 months old, we began talking about preparing to welcome a second child into the family. In my head, I thought a two-and-a-half year spread between children would be just about perfect. And our first adoption took about a year from start to finish, so we figured we should start the process again when Casey was around 18 months old.

But when the time came, I suddenly wasn't sure it was right. I didn't know if I had it in me. I still knew I wanted Casey to have siblings to grow up with. As one of four kids myself, I (literally) can't even imagine growing up as an only child. And I want Casey to have that same sense of one great-big-happy family that I was lucky enough to grow up with. But I felt so conflicted about it. Two years, it turns out, really isn't that long with a child. If we had a second child, it would mean less time and attention from us for Casey-- at least initially. Was that fair? Would he understand? Did I want to give up even minute of these precious years?

I remember calling my mom and asking her if she felt similarly when I came along. She basically told me I was nuts. And while I felt better about the notion of adding to our family, her comments didn't completely alleviate my deep-seeded concerns.

But by the time Marcie came along, my worries had completely dissipated. The adoption took longer than we'd anticipated, of course, because of the number of waiting families for babies from China. And as much as Casey loves Marcie, these past nine months have definitely been a transitional period. When I sit on Casey's bedroom floor to watch him get dressed, for instance, Marcie pretty much always toddles over, backs her way onto my lap, and plops down. Inevitably, this irritates Casey who wants my complete attention. And he starts dancing around the room, sometimes singing and sometimes screeching like a dolphin. It slows him down. When he finally gets a shirt on and Marcie wants to go point out what character he's wearing, he gets mad that she's poked him in the chest. Initially he responded by pushing her back. Now he knows better. But it took time. Training. And we're all the better for it now. But I'm not going to cherry coat it-- it hasn't been easy all this time.

Another thing I think I considered but couldn't really anticipate for sure was how Marcie's sleep pattern would disrupt Casey. For instance, the other night, when I put Marcie to bed, she started to cry. This worried Casey, who wandered out into the hallway and stood outside her door on the opposite side of the baby gate from her. He began yelling, "MOMMY! COME HERE! MOMMY! MARCIE NEEDS YOU!" Now, bless his heart for trying to help his sister out. But not good for his routine. I told him if she cried for more than 5 minutes, I'd move him into our bedroom. Fortunately, they were both asleep shortly thereafter. And I think Marcie's middle of the night wakings have disturbed Casey on occasion, too. There have been far too many nights where I've just bounced from one child's bedroom to the next, calming them down and sticking around until they fell back asleep.

And so here we are-- given the current wait times for adoptions, we know we have to get started soon if we hope for our children to be fewer than four years apart in age. I have no qualms about bringing a third child into our family. I've spent so much of these past 5 years researching, talking about, or participating in an adoption, I imagine it will feel very strange some day when we are no longer actively contemplating it!

So, as conflicted as I felt-- as worried as I was that I'd be cheating on Casey to bring home a sibling, I can honestly say I don't feel that way at all this time. Bring it on! (Of course, Jason who will be staying home full time by the time we bring home #3 may feel a little more overwhelmed by this prospect than I do. But I doubt it.)

Here's to Salud!

When I was in high school Spanish, if someone sneezed, there would be one of two reactions (depending on who your Spanish teacher was). If you had Profe Daubert, it'd be "Jesus" for sneeze one. "Maria" for sneeze two. And "Jose" for sneeze three. (Jesus, Mary, and Joseph) That's how they do things in Spain. But in another teacher's class-- say a teacher trained in Mexico, you'd hear: Salud, dinero, then amor (health, wealth, and love).

Poor Marcie could use some salud wishes heading her way.
She has conjunctivitis. In both eyes. She's not contagious anymore after today, but getting her to take those drops in her eyes is no picnic.

She was healthy for a whole 3 days before she got the eye infection. Those three days came on the heels of 10 days of antibiotics. For a double ear infection and strep throat.

The strep/ear infection came on the heels of 5 days of health. Before that she suffered a two-week stomach bug which resulted in more diapers than I'd like to count and a painful, painful diaper-rash-yeast-infection.

Before the stomach bug, she'd been healthy for about a week. Prior to that, she'd been on antibiotics for 10 days for (I think) an ear infection. She's been sick off and on for so long-- and so it seems like a really long time ago that we saw the doctor for that. But I think that's right.

All of this for a child who's not in daycare. Just with Grandma all day. Go figure. Apparently Casey is bringing home all sorts of goodies from school-- even though he knows from the book that Germs are not for sharing. I am hoping that all this illness will mean that she'll have a nice and healthy year in preschool beginning this fall!

Here we go again . . .

So. We've decided to adopt. Again. We always planned on having three children, and even though Marcie hasn't been home for very long, by the time the adoption processes, she will have been. Home for years, in fact. So it's time to start.

When we selected Marcie's agency, CCAI, we researched a bunch of places, narrowed it down to a couple. Checked their BBB records. Did a search to see if there were any pending or settled law suits. And then called every single reference in Southern California on their multi-page list. And talked to them all. They ended up being a fantastic choice. Did they make mistakes? Yup. They did. They are an organization of humans, so mistakes are kind of par for the course. But they apologized. They fixed it. Fast. They cared. And we would use them again in a heartbeat. Except. . .

Except the wait for China has grown so long, that we estimate if we started the process tomorrow (which we wouldn't, given final exams and pending law school commencement), we would probably meet our child some time in the year 2011. And by then Marcie will be somewhere in the neighborhood of 5 years old. So there'd be about 4 years age difference between them. Which isn't insane or anything, it's just a little more than we were planning. Hoping. We may still end up going with China, but we're exploring our options.

We had been contemplating Africa-- Ethiopia in particular. And if we were going to, I'd be leaning toward AAI- Adoption Advocates, International. Though I've also heard good things about CHI- Children's Hope, International. So I'd have to do my background homework, check references, and make a decision. But if you happen to be in the same boat as me, that's where I'd start. The Ethiopia program is relatively centralized and stable. Things seem above-board. There is a great need for families for the children (of course, that's true everywhere in the world).

And some people-- a lot of people, actually-- have suggested we look into Latin America: Colombia or Guatemala seem to be the two recommendations we receive most. Unsolicited, of course, because we are not interested in adopting from Latin America. The children are beautiful, but I'm a really risk-averse person, and it just seems like so much depends on the in-country facilitator and there are risks about the "baby market" and so on. I know it works for a lot of people. And I'm happy for them. It's just not a good choice for me. It'd give me an ulcer. And even if I'm totally wrong about my impressions about the stability and potential ethical issues, it doesn't matter. Because that would always be at the back of my mind.

Ultimately, though, I'd like to stick close to China. It just makes sense. We've already made a commitment to our children-- that they will know their roots, whatever we can share with them. And since that takes us to Ohio and China already, it seems like it'd be most convenient for us to stay in the general region of China, at least. Plus, it just fits our family-- my husband being half-Chinese and all. I know that's not important to him, that our kids share his ethnicity. But between Jason's family and our many Chinese and Taiwanese friends, this is a culture we know something about. So it works for me.

So that brings me to Taiwan. The thing about Taiwan is that it is really decentralized, which means that the agency you work with more or less dictates your experience. With China, even though I love, love, loved our agency, I think most people have a pretty similar experience. Everyone submits the same paperwork. Everyone goes on the same waiting list. Everyone travels about the same length of time after their referral. And so on. Not so with Taiwan.

I am learning that Taiwan is like doing a domestic adoption, but in a foreign country. And that's okay. But that means there are some risks, too. For instance, in Taiwan, a referral can come when the child is very young-- a couple weeks or a couple months. And after you accept the referral, the child moves through the court system. This is just like in the United States. Except in the U.S., you can foster your own child while the paperwork process (and I think you can if you move to Taiwan, for that matter-- but that's another issue entirely). Anyway, during the 4-6 months it takes for the paperwork to proceed, the birth family can change its mind and opt to parent the child. Which means you may think you have a child coming, but it turns out he or she is not your child. Which I imagine is heart-breaking.

Another thing about Taiwan is that the type of program you enter more or less dictates the wait you have and frequently the relationship you have. Some programs are birthmother programs. That means the birthmother selects your family. You get to meet her (often). You get a full medical history. You may have ongoing contact with her. Other programs operate more like China did-- you wait until your paperwork gets to the top of the list and the in-Taiwan agency (which they call a nursery and we call an orphanage) matches you. You get all the medical information provided by the birth mother, but it's a closed adoption-- usually no ongoing contact and no exchange of information over time. So the agency you choose needs to reflect the type of adoption you'd like to have. (As a side note, I have been told that there is an adoption registry for international adoptees so they can find their biological families later in life if they want, but I haven't researched this yet.)

So this is where we are. Searching for an agency. Finding one with the right fit that offers the type of adoption we want and works with a nursery we like in Taiwan. Later, I'll post how I've approached my search. I've read articles about how to select an agency, but I think they are rather cursory-- especially for such an expensive and emotional endeavor. But for now, this is where we are. Getting ready to start our paperchase.

And yeah. I'm in the middle of finals. And preparing for graduation. And getting ready to start my Bar prep class to take the big exam in July. Doesn't this make it the perfect time to select an adoption agency and begin our homestudy? Heh, heh. Anyone who knows me and is reading this must be chuckling. This is such a Karen-thing to do. To launch an adoption journey in the midst of everything else. . . but I know it'll be well worth it in the long run. I've got evidence of it at home already. Double proof, in fact. I just can't imagine my life without Casey and Marcie.

Once we figure out what we're doing-- who we're using, and the whole shabang, I'll start a new blog just to document that journey. But no worries, this one's not going anywhere!

And Casey, too

Casey's pretty cute, too. And we had quite a busy day, today. After I took Marcie to her Little Gym class, I took Casey to his soccer class. Then the three of us ran went to Office Depot so I could get notebooks for my final outlines. The computers were down and it took forever. But Casey didn't really mind because right by the register was a display of flat screen/televisions playing Ice Age. Next we headed out to purchase a birthday present for a party later in the day. As we were driving through the center of town, we discovered the Band Festival going on!

So of course we stopped. This is one of the things I love about living where we live-- these small-town festivals. Anyway, we got out and wandered around a short while, listened to some of the music, and then hopped aboard our local train for a ride around the park. We happened to get on the train when it needed to take on water and blow out steam, and we were right up front-- so the kids watched everything with great interest. The train is 100 years old and runs on diesel fuel (as it always has). Here's Casey posing in front of it:

After the train ride, lunch, and a nap, we had a birthday party. So Casey, Marcie, and I headed over to Casey's friend's house. Marcie was the only little girl there and got quite a bit of attention. There was a bouncy house and ice cream cake and a pinata, which both kids took some swipes at. After all the candy fell and Marcie went around picking it up, she'd pick up a piece and sniff it. If it wasn't chocolate, she'd put it back on the ground and move on until she found another Hershey's miniature.

Later on, after dinner, we went over to Jimbo's to get Casey some "special green apple juice." You might know it as Green Machine by Naked Juice. We're hoping Casey will like it and drink it because it actually has quite a lot of greens in it-- and he just doesn't eat green vegetables. He asked if he could wear his Dash Incredible costume. And really, who are we to stifle his creativity? So we let him. Here is is:

He was dancing around the store when he lost his shoe. He's such a goof-ball sometimes.

And here he is examining an apple. Interestingly, people kept looking at us and smiling. I just thought it was because our kids are so darn cute. It didn't dawn on me until I started writing this entry that it was because of Casey's costume!